this post about picking apples really needs a cute title

what do you do when you're craving tastydelicious apples?

YOU GO APPLE PICKING, THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.

first, though, you pass a bunch of dunkin' donuts and miss your turn somewhere in new jersey and consult the map. before you get lost, you pass the plant detective. then you turn around, pass some dunkin' donuts again, and get back on track. when you get to the apple farm, you pay a dollar and get a bag for twenty-five cents. (before you exit your vehicle, you finish eating lunch and a brownie. you save room for apples, though.)

you eat lots of apples to ensure that a particular tree is, indeed, producing tastydelicious apples. it's just good quality control.




the apple trees are in rows and labeled by kind. you find certain kinds seem to be more popular than others, so you gotta knock down apples from waaaaaaay above-like with other apples. some guy complains that all the apples "taste awful". you dismiss him as being a giant douchebag.

before you leave, you check out the pumpkin patch.




and try to pick up a huge pumpkin in a show of strength.




but soon your strength is sapped, and the pumpkin triumphs.




filling up your apple bag, you go to the weighing/checkout barn and learn that the apple farm's ATM was stolen yesterday. who the fuck does that? wondering if there's a roving gang of apple farm cash machine thieves out there somewhere, you contemplate how easy it would be to steal one of the little pumpkins from the front of the apple farm. you figure the ATM theives probably thought the same thing.

the drive home takes you past a sign marked "diner: a restaurant". is it a place to eat, or a documentary film? you don't have time to stop and find out: you've got apples to get home.